Quick! Get your zombie whistle!
by Punk-Out
Summary: Resident Evil? Zombie Land? Dawn of the Dead? Yeah, they all lied about zombie mythology. Jerks. Puck/Kurt


**Title:** They Lied I Say!**  
>Author:<strong> sazzy_kitten**  
>Rating:<strong> NC-17/R**  
>Character(s)Pairing(s):** Puck/Kurt, Santana/Brittany, Sarah Puckerman, Karofsky**  
>Genre:<strong> Romance**  
>Warning:<strong> Zombie AU, slash, gore, violence, character death (well...)**  
>Spoilers: <strong>"Never Been Kissed" is all I think...**  
>Disclaimer:<strong> No. I don't.**  
>Author Notes: <strong>Okay so I really wanted to kill him. You would do it too, don't lie. And the concept was taken from Marvel Zombies, though not the adrenaline part. Loved it.**  
>Summary: <strong>Puck thinks that nobody could pull off the zombie bit as sexily as Kurt did. Just sayin'.**  
>Word Count:<strong> 1775  
><strong>I<br>**Puck didn't quite know how they got to this point, but now that the whole thing had gotten so far out of hand, he had just one thing to say.

Zombie mythology was a lie. Complete and utter bullshit.

When his sister Sarah had come home from school looking sick, pale and nauseous, he had been worried. Bad-ass or not, when it came to his little sisters and mothers well being, there wasn't anything that could trump that. He'd fallen asleep on the couch, some corny eighties vampire movie playing on the T.V cuddling Sarah like he always did when she fell ill.

He woke up to the sharp pain of blunt teeth trying to work through the muscles in his forearm. The rude awakening was closely followed by a teary, apologetic Sarah throwing herself at him wailing that she didn't mean to do it.

The situation spiraled from there, and within a week roughly half the citizens of Lima, Ohio were overtaken with the need to viciously tear other people apart with their teeth and eat them. The other half were making a desperate bid to leave the town, some infected, some not, spreading the disease, or whatever it was, further and further through the US.

Noah had quickly found that when he wasn't overwhelmed by the desire (not need, he didn't _need_ it) to eat, that he was exactly like before. Their flesh still healed, but it took hell of a lot longer, and the constant flow of adrenaline through his body left him with a perma-boner that he took great pleasure in reliving himself of (but not in the presence of his mom and sister). Though it wasn't nearly as much fun with only his right hand to keep him company, but what could he do? Santana was busy with Brittany, and though the idea of a threesome appealed to him, they weren't so game now that they had all the time in the world.

So yeah, he had complete control over himself, and when he went hunting (just before his urges made him _not_ have control over himself), he hadn't expected to bump into Kurt Hummel, looking the same as before. He briefly entertained the idea of taking a chunk out of the smooth, flawless flesh but stopped himself just before he could, instead going up to him and dropping a heavy hand onto his shoulder.

"Hey Hummel," he said, watching with amusement as Kurt's head whipped around, eyes wide.

"Puck?" The disbelief in his voice prompted a snicker from the jock. "You're not dead."

"I don't know about that," he answered, shrugging. "It's pretty much the zombie apocalypse or whatever, and I'm just one of the zombie horde."

Kurt shook his head and cracked a small smile. "All things considered, I don't think we're dead."

Puck stared at him for a moment, mouth hanging open a little, then slowly looked the other teen up and down. "We?"

Kurt smirked and unbuttoned his vest and shirt, parting the fabric before sliding it off. His chest was covered by long gouges that looked like they'd been caused by fingernails, and as he did a small turn Puck could see the angry red and purple wounds extending to his shoulder blades. A chunk of flesh was missing, exposing part of Kurt's ribs and Puck whistled at the extensive damage, reaching out to trailing his fingers over the exposed bone. Lifting his hand away he licked off the blood, feeling a thrill of adrenaline, hunger and arousal shoot through him. Plastering himself against the cut up and bloody back Puck nuzzled at Kurt's neck, biting down just enough to break the skin.

"Come hunting with me," he rasped, feeling his muscle begin to twitch and his control start to slip. His fingers clenched and dug into Kurt's hips, pelvis canting forward and pressing his forming erection into Kurt's ass. Kurt twisted around in his grip, nails biting into Puck's biceps. Pale eyes followed the blood that slipped down tanned skin.

"What happened to that stifling homophobia you used to indulge in, huh?" Kurt asked, leaning forward to nip roughly at Puck's lip, bruising the flesh but not breaking it.

"Way I figure it, I'm not only a sex shark but even if there were people around to judge us for it, then we can eat them and shrug it off."

Kurt rolled his eyes and scoffed. "That would be your reasoning. Sex and violence. Charming."

"Whatever, you know you like it," Puck retorted, shoving his tongue into Kurt's mouth before he could answer. "Well, are you game?"

"Yeah, I'm 'game'." Kurt slid his shirt and vest back on, covering up the dis-figuration's marring his torso. Puck released him with a hungry grin and stepped back, cracking his knuckles and rolling his shoulders in preparation.

He wasn't expecting the rock that crackled against his temple.

"Oh, you fucking piece of shit!" Puck cursed, grabbing his head and glaring furiously in the direction that the projectile had come from. "The fuck?"

Karofsky stood in an aggressive stance, more rocks clenched in his fists. "Get away from him Puckerman!"

Kurt made a low sound in the back of his throat that sounded an awful lot like a growl, which really only served to turn Puck on more truthfully, and turned toward Karofsky.

"I think we've found our meal Puck," Kurt said softly, backing away slowly and painting a frightened expression on his face. Karofsky ran forward, not stopping until he had Kurt pressed against him and Puck thought that that explained quite a lot.

He also thought that Karofsky was really stupid, but that was obvious.

Kurt turned in Karofsky's arms (meaty, not muscly, Puck thought vindictively), pressing his face into the bigger boys shoulder. Thin arms came up to encircle the thick neck and Puck watched the thin brunet turn his head. Karofsky's pained scream brought a blood thirsty grin to Puck's lips as he stalked forward. Blood painted the bottom half of Kurt's face and Puck leaned forward to lick it off, smirking at Karofsky as he slowly bled out from the chunk missing in his neck.

Kurt brought his fingers to his mouth and spat out a chunk of flesh into them, tearing off a small chunk for himself and holding the rest out to Puck. "Want a taste?"

With a sly smirk Puck leaned forward, grabbing the morsel with his teeth and sucking it into his mouth, licking the blood off of Kurt's fingers the same way he did around his mouth. Kurt groaned, replacing his fingers with his tongue, bringing his foot down onto Karofsky's abdomen when he tried to crawl away.

"Not so fast," Kurt murmured, leaning down and digging his nails into the open wound, relishing in the howl of pain his former tormentor released. "I've been wanting to do this for a long time."

"You wanted to eat him?" Puck asked sarcastically, putting an arm around Kurt's waist and sliding his hand down to grab the other boys ass.

"I never wanted to get anywhere near him with my mouth before," Kurt deadpanned, "Not before he forced it on me and not after."

Puck reacted before he realized what he was doing, swooping down and punching his hand through Karofsky's abdomen, twisting it until he could feel the hard ridge of the spine, tearing some of the intestines out when he pulled his hand away.

"Sonuvabitch!" Karofsky wailed, back arching and head slamming back onto the pavement as he writhed.

"He's going to be dead soon," Kurt pointed out, kneeling down on Karofsky's other side. "Might as well enjoy it while we can."

"What've you got in mind?" Puck asked, carving off another small chunk from the thick arm and biting it in half. He held out the other part to Kurt who took it with a smirk and a shrug.

"I'm going to show him exactly what he never had a hope to get," he murmured, slipping the morsel between his lips and sucking gently.

Puck wondered vaguely if it was the adrenaline making that move seem so fucking hot, or if he had always just been that repressed. Sometimes he thought that it was probably the latter, but what the fuck ever.

Not like it mattered now.

And besides, he was still attracted to girls (though probably not quite as much as _this_, but who wouldn't wanna take advantage of that mouth?) so no harm no foul in the sexuality department. He was dead, or close to it, at any rate, and he wasn't going to whine and cry about societal boundaries. Not like there were any anymore; everyone in the world's a cannibal and necrophiliac so fuck the asshole who's still prejudices against gay people.

Puck came back to himself when he heard the snap of Karofsky's arm as Kurt bent it in half the wrong way and viciously tore it apart from the elbow. Dave seemed to have more or less stopped moving (breathing, living) and now that there was no chance of the torture and mutilation being felt, Kurt was tucking into his meal properly. Gray-blue eyes glanced up at him and a slow smile spread over red lips.

"So, _Noah_, come to mine for dinner tonight?"

Puck grinned, grabbing an ankle and dragging the body away.

"Sounds good. 'Sides, it's best to get out of the street before we have to chance to get arrested for indecent exposure or something," he said sarcastically. Kurt laughed, bumping their shoulders together. As they walked, another thought occurred to him. "Who did the damage to you?"

"Hmm?" Kurt looked at him, blinking slowly as his jaw moved to separate a chunk of muscle from the bone.

"Your back and chest," Puck pointed out, "who did that to you?"

"Oh!" Kurt swallowed and grinned. "My dad."

_Well shit._

Ah well, he'd fear for the safety of his balls later; right now he had one hella tantalizing ass to tap.


End file.
